Introducing the latest addition to the Attack team: agony aunt, studio guru and hell-raising voice of reason, Charlie Leigh Gamble. Charlie’s opening dilemma is posed by a love-torn Rob S from London. Girlfriend or music: that’s the question.

Dear Charlie

My girlfriend couldn’t accept the fact that I spent most of my spare time making music instead of taking her out and has now walked out on me. What should I do?

Yours,

Rob S, London

 

Charlie replies…

Are you fucking kidding me?! Do you really even have to ask?

For me this is a classic case of “It’s me or the dog.” Most sane people would pick their dog over some needy bitch who clearly has no hobbies and passions of her own. Girls pull the “You spend too much time in the studio and not enough time with me” card because they’re simply insecure. I mean, give yourself some credit, kid! You make music – that must mean you’re an interesting and creative individual, right? 99% of women out there would consider you a catch on this basis alone.

I could break this down by going on a long-winded ramble about neurochemical programming, biological clocks and genetic preference, but I won’t. Just trust me when I say that personally, if I were you I’d call this a lucky escape! Today it’s “But honey… I want to go watch the latest Ashton Kutcher flick, can’t the EQ on that kick drum wait?” Tomorrow she’ll have you selling your vintage synths to pay for an overpriced hunk of sparkly carbon to go on her finger.

Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t you go find a girl that shares the same enthusiasm for music as you? An intellectual and creative equal. Believe it or not, we do exist! In fact, most relationship gurus swear that having common interests is an absolutely fundamental pre-requisite to finding everlasting love!

Just think, “shopping” adventures will no longer include standing around for hours in Top Shop while she tries on 10 different pairs of jeans that all look the same. Instead you can just stay in and geek out browsing the latest sample packs and new pieces of gear for the studio.

As a card carrying member of the “I have a vagina club” who also groups herself in the subspecies of audiophile, I can honestly tell you that nothing says sexy time like late night recording sessions where you combine your creative energies for the sole purpose of making deformed audio babies (which of course are better and less expensive than real babies any day!). Don’t pretend you’ve never fantasised about MIDI cable bondage and bending your honey over a mixing desk. Rawr! Now that’s what I call a productive day in the studio.

For the most part, female musicians (at least the ones I know and associate with) are more awesome, more chill and generally less work than normal women. Every male musician should have one to call his own.

Of course, if you really do want her back, just remember to be straightforward with her. If she’s not willing to support your goals and dreams then I’m willing to bet money that it won’t work out in the long run. In fact, I shamefully admit that I’ve made the very same mistake in setting a musical goal aside for a man who just didn’t get the obsession. Sadly, it ended up being one of my biggest regrets. I learned from my mistake and turned it into creative fuel so it wasn’t a total loss, but if anyone ever tried to come between me and the studio again the answer from here on out will always be, “Sorry darling, I choose noise.”

Don't pretend you've never fantasised about MIDI cable bondage. Rawr!

Many great producers have disappeared from the scene because they allowed themselves to become pussy whipped, but at the end of the day you have to follow your heart.

Ask yourself what’s more important to you: this woman who may or may not stick around, or your creative dreams which are a reflection of the very essence of your soul? Can you really spend the rest of your life with someone who can’t appreciate your art? Ultimately the decision is yours to make but just remember this, because the following statement above everything else is a FACT:

True love shouldn’t be hard or complicated. If it is. You’re doing it wrong or she’s not the one.

I wish you all the best, and if you do take her back and eventually find yourself selling your studio to pay for the wedding… well then I beg you, please contact the magazine for my email address. I will be more than happy to give your gear a new home where it’ll be appreciated and put to good use. I’ll even take the cables… like I said, they’re a great alternative to rope during bondage play, even if tying girls up with them tends to kill them quicker than using them for their less exciting intended purpose. But hey, that’s why any serious producer buys the ones with the lifetime guarantee, right?

 

 

Charlie Leigh Gamble is a 12 year veteran (or victim, as she prefers to be called) of the music industry. She’s performed in and broken the laws of over 50 countries, sometimes simultaneously.

She’s armed to the teeth with enough worldly life experiences to fill a book and 100% fluent in the language of nerd.

If you’re looking for advice, brutal honesty, or a little devil on your shoulder to nudge you down a path of troublemaking, debauchery and bad decisions, Charlie is your girl. Send her your dilemmas via the Contact page.

Photo: Joe Alonzo Photography

Author Charlie Leigh Gamble
13th September, 2012

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